Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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