6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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