I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
