the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
