WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
