My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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