So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
