i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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