Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize