FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Sex in the backyard? Check.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
