how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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