woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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