I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
