i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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