Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
