everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
