He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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