I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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