apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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