No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
being pregnant is like rehab
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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