i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
