I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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