i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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