Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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