last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
