opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
