You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I understand Curling. That high.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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