I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
