I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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