YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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