So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
