I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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