How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize