The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
