My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
