There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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