and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
