I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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