i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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