He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
