Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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