i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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