Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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