I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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