The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
