would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
