Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize