I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
