he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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