ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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