Betty ford says i'm here all night
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
