I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
