Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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