I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
