I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
