note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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