I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
