I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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