I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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